Pregnant women get attention. They’re signs of hope and the future, restoring faith in humanity. With that attention comes people who say the darndest things.
You see her burgeoning belly, her waddle, her loose, comfortable clothing. She’s carrying a miracle inside her! She’s growing a human. She’s a glowing figure of the future, bringing a bundle of joy to the world.
You want to say something, to ask, to probe, to feed your excitement and curiosity.
But before you utter a single word, remember she’s a person, not a receptacle.
As I’m writing this, I’m in the last few days of my second pregnancy. The wounds are fresh and the hormones are raging so I hope you enjoy my sarcastic and snarky remarks.
Here are 6 things you should not say to a pregnant woman.
1. Commenting about her physical appearance except…
“Wow, you’re big! Looks like someone’s been eating for two.“
Uh, because I wasn’t self-conscious about my pregnancy weight gain already. I don’t need you to remind me.
“Wow, you’re small! You’re eating for two now, you know?“
So you’re implying my baby is unhealthy and malnourished?
Just stop commenting on my eating habits!
“You look tired/exhausted/drained/puffy/insert negative comment about what she looks like!“
Seriously? What if I told you that you look horrible? What’s your excuse? You just born that way?
“How much weight have you gained?“
That is absolutely none of your business! The number of pounds that I’ve gained is the same number of EQ (Emotional Quotient) points that you’ve just lost.
Just don’t say anything except…
“YOU LOOK WONDERFUL!”
2. Asking to touch her belly
Or worse, touching her belly without even asking.
You are literally invading my personal space.
I don’t care if you just cleaned your hands or if you’ve never felt a pregnant woman’s belly before or you’re pregnant too and want to feel someone else’s belly, just don’t!
It’s weird and creepy.
I had one Chinese lady tell me it’s good luck and that I should let her and as many people touch my belly.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Don’t impose your cultural practices on me just because we share the same ethnicity. Don’t even get me started on my beliefs about luck and superstitions.
Also, by asking, it’s like how am I supposed to say no without offending you?
Just don’t ask unless we’re super close (like my husband or my mom or sister) or you’re my doctor.
3. Telling her things she should do before she’s due
It’s like telling a pregnant woman what her last meal should be before everything else she enjoys doing gets executed.
“Better get all your sleep now before the baby comes. You won’t sleep for the rest of your life!”
Oh really? Would you like to go to work for me, run my errands, take care of my toddler, clean my house while I go to sleep for the rest of my pregnancy?
“Enjoy your life now because you won’t be able to see your friends/go out for a movie/go on a date night/eat out/travel/have a life ever again.”
Right, because once you become a mom, your life is over. You are chained to that child as though you’re in a prison. Your only role is to be a mom and it’s all sacrifice, doom and gloom so better enjoy your freedom now.
4. Giving unsolicited advice
“You should watch what you eat. You might get gestational diabetes.”
“Are you sure you should be drinking coffee?“
“You should get more exercise. It’ll make your labour easier.”
“Oh you should be careful and don’t move too much. You don’t want to stress the baby.”
“I delivered at home/in water/at the hospital/at my friend’s house/on the beach/in the backyard. It was wonderful! You should do that too!”
“You should get a midwife/OBGYN/family doctor/that shaman who lives down the street from me to deliver your baby.”
“Are you sure you want a vaginal/natural/scheduled c-section? So and so did this and it was…”
From birth plans to what a pregnant woman should be eating/drinking/doing, unless she asks or you’re her healthcare provider, don’t offer your unsolicited advice.
I don’t care if it worked for you, your mom, your neighbour, your best friend Susan, every pregnancy is different.
The woman going through it knows what’s best for her and her baby.
5. Providing an annoying opinion about its gender
“A boy? Oh dear, good luck! You’re going to need so much energy but your husband must be so happy!”
Right, because all boys are rambunctious, violent and physical. And all men want sons to watch sports with, grunt, throw things and carry on the family name.
Did we travel back in time to the 90s? Are we in an episode of Home Improvement?
“A girl? They’re sweet at first but then they get vicious and nasty. Wait for the teen years when they hate their moms. You’re going to have to deal with so much drama!”
Right, because all girls become jealous, competitive, conniving women who hate other women. And because everything about women can be determined from The Real Housewives.
Can we please stop gender stereotyping?
She’s having a human. It may have a penis or it may have ovaries. How it’s going to behave when it comes out isn’t defined by their anatomy.
6. Asking how she’s going to take care of the baby
“Are you going to breastfeed or do formula?“
“Are you going to co-sleep or do you have a crib set up? Do you plan to sleep train?“
“What about going back to work? Have you locked in a daycare? Are you on the waitlist? Are you getting a nanny? Do you think you’ll go back to work after?“
For first-time moms, they may know exactly what they want or they may not.
If you ask about things she hasn’t thought about yet, she may feel inadequate and unprepared that she doesn’t know the answer.
If you ask about things she’s made a decision on but she’s unable to meet that expectation when the baby comes, she’ll feel like she’s letting herself and everyone down.
It’s unpredictable what will happen after the baby comes!
Questions about those decisions put a woman on the spot to commit to a choice she has absolutely no idea if she will fulfill.
Either way, asking about these things can lead to unnecessary stress and disappointment to an already overwhelmed pregnant woman.
So Readers, are there other things that shouldn’t be said? Did you hear these things when you were pregnant?
