Think you’ve found the one? Make sure you’re on the same page with these 4 things.
Only 4 things? Seriously?
While getting ideas from friends, family and other blogs for this post, I heard tons of things that felt important to talk about. This could blog post could have easily been called “40 Things Couples Should Absolutely Talk About Before Getting Married“
Some ideas that I read and heard were pretty obvious stuff that gets talked about while two people are dating before marriage comes into the picture.
(Well, at least I hope these get talked about.)
Obvious things you should have talked about before getting engaged
Vacations and travelling preferences
Most likely, the idea of going on a trip together would have come up while you’re dating.
Religion and/or spirituality
Is he praying before every meal?
Is she going to church every Sunday?
If someone values their religion and wants you to understand their beliefs, it will be pretty evident.
Family time
As you’re dating someone, you’ll get to know each other’s day-to-day life and you’ll have an idea of how much time someone spends with their family. They’ll also talk about their family a lot if that’s something they consider important.
What ifs and other hypothetical situations
Then there were topics that made marriage seem like this super scary thing.
It was as though if you didn’t know the other person inside and out and how they would deal with every hypothetical situation in the book, you shouldn’t marry them.
What kind of parent are you going to be for our future kids?
Would you stay with me if I didn’t keep up my appearance?
How would you support me if I lost my job or got into a car accident and became a paraplegic or got cancer or got Alzheimer’s disease or other unfortunate possibilities…?
Are you willing to go to couples therapy if we can’t handle our issues after we get married?
These questions can be interesting to talk about as a couple but they depend on so many unpredictable factors that will change as your relationship grows. The way your partner answers now is based on what they know about themselves at the moment.
Life happens!
When we experience change (career change, medical issues, death of a friend and/or a family member, becoming a parent etc), we get to know ourselves a little better. And when we cross those bridges, how we saw ourselves before may not be the same as how we see ourselves now.
Someone might be like:
Right now, I don’t believe in couples therapy since it didn’t work for my parents who got divorced when I was 8.
However, 10 years down the road and 3 kids later, I might just do whatever it takes to make my marriage work.
A marriage takes effort every day to make it work. It’s about ongoing conversations about things you don’t agree on, leaning on each other during the hard times and constantly checking to see how you’re feeling about each other.
Despite the ongoing work that is needed for a healthy marriage, there are 4 things that every couple should absolutely talk about before getting hitched. It’s really hard to make a relationship work if you have no idea where your partner stands on these things.
1. Kids or no kids?
That is the question.
Without a doubt, both of you have to see eye to eye on this question because it’s not like you can turn back time or get a refund.
If you are on polar ends with your partner…
And neither of you are willing to budge, there is no give or take. Once you decide what to do, it’s almost certain that one of you will resent the other; it creates an unhealthy dynamic in the relationship. It’s a catch 22.
If you decide not to have children, the resentment builds as you watch friends and peers start families.
If you decide to have children, the resentment builds as you see your childless friends go on adventures and spend their time effortlessly without the parenting responsibility.
It will pull you guys apart and it’s just not worth dragging a child through the mess.
If you both don’t want kids…
Then that’s it, simple and easy.
If you both want kids…
Then it depends on when and how.
When do you want to have them?
Do you want to have biological children? How open are you to fertility treatments if necessary?
How open are you to adoption?
In terms of how many children, that can be discussed after you’ve had one. It’s fine if you currently disagree on the number because once you become parents, you’ll have a better idea of whether more kids are in the picture.
If one or both of you are uncertain…
It can be tough to have a definitive answer about kids if it’s something you or your partner haven’t thought deeply about.
From social pressures to the fear of losing your independence, check out my “Ultimate Guide To Deciding Whether You Should Have Kids” to help you make a decision.
2. Money
Money is often quoted as one of the top reasons marriages end in divorce. It’s a point of contention even during casual conversations because of its association with power, status, security, freedom, and autonomy, topics that can easily pinch our values.
Money is emotional
Money shaped a lot of our childhoods (growing up with humble surroundings versus with privilege), contributing to our values and beliefs as adults.
How do you perceive someone who has more or less than you? How do you want to be perceived?
Who earns more? Who earns less? How does that affect shared financial decisions?
Spender or saver?
Invest in the future or enjoy life in the present?
Possessions or experiences?
Would you lend money to friends and/or family? If so, how much? If not, why?
Tipping etiquette?
Current debt
Credit cards, lines of credit, student loans, auto loans, medical bills, tax debt, monies owed to friends and/or family, gambling debt, mortgages, unpaid parking tickets, failed business debts etc.
I highly recommend putting everything out on the table before you get married.
It’s a very vulnerable process to go through because there’s fear of being criticized by your partner. Someone with a ton of debt can be perceived as irresponsible, careless, lacking discipline and self-control. It can also uncover some bad habits that someone wants to hide (uncontrolled retail therapy, gambling addiction, online gaming debt etc.)
It’s can be daunting to share this with your partner but think of it like ripping off a bandaid. Once you’re both on the same page, it’s easier to come up with a plan for how to pay off the debt. It could be an opportunity to work as a team, leveraging on each others’ strengths and abilities.
It’s better to know this information before you start sharing your life together as a married couple.
Because to be brutally honest, there is a possibility that you may leave your partner when you find this information out. Or if you’re the one with major debt, your partner may leave you.
Ultimately, you find out more about each other during the process and whether it’s something that will make or break your relationship before you get married.
Bills, bank accounts and budget
Now that you’re both aware of each others’ finances, it’s time to figure out your 3 Bs
Bills
Bills, bills, bills (cue Destiny’s Child, please)
Each of you should create a list of all the bills that you’re currently paying. Most people pay their bills either with their bank account or a credit card (who uses cash anymore?) so for the love of our digital footprints, this is fairly easy to do:
- Rent
- Mortgage
- Groceries
- Phone, Internet, cable
- Subscriptions (Netflix, Spotify…)
- Memberships (gym, Costco…)
- Insurance (car, life, home…)
- Fees (strata/condo, parking…)
This is the fun part where you create a plan to share some of these bills once you’re married. You can divvy up by type or split the total in half or 40:60 or whatever to your heart’s content.
Bank accounts
Now you need to agree on a structure
How are you going to pay the bills?
Joint account? Keep individual accounts? Both?
Which account pays for what?
What about saving for a big purchase together (vacation, downpayment) or an emergency fund?
How much will each of you put in? Will this based on how much income someone brings in?
Who will be responsible for what?
One person might be better at paying bills on time and takes on the whole responsibility.
One person might be better looking for deals and cost-savings strategies and will take on bills that fluctuate or can be negotiated.
Budget
Now it’s time to look at how much money is coming in and how much you’re spending over the previous year. This can be done individually or as a couple.
Is there anything left over? If not, what are some non-essential things that can be cut back? If yes, is this enough? How do you want to invest that?
Planning a wedding is a great exercise to test how you work together in figuring out a budget and keeping it.
At the end of the day, it’s about trust, transparency and having frank conversations about money.
3. Where and how to live
It’s hard to maintain a marriage if you’re physically apart. The stress of long-distance relationships, commutes, time-zone differences would drive any couple to the edge.
Where do you want to live together?
Where would you want to raise your kids?
How do you want to live? Are you deadset on living in a specific city or province/state or country? How open are you to a nomadic lifestyle?
Have you always dreamt of living in a different country? Do you have a bucket list of places to live?
Do you eventually want to move back closer to your family?
If one person wants to put roots down while the other is willing to be on the move every few years depending on opportunities that come up (job, experience a new culture, lifelong dreams etc) this can cause major stress in a marriage. Make sure you’re both on the same page.
4. Your past
Why it didn’t work out with your exes
Talking about your exes may be considered taboo on a first date.
However, once a couple has reached a point in their relationship where they’re talking about marriage, a lot can be learned about someone when they share what happened in their past relationships and why they ended.
You don’t have to get into the nitty-gritty but reflecting on your past, who you were at the time and how you’ve grown can give your partner insight into why you are the way you are with them. It’s an opportunity to validate that the person you’re about to marry is the right person.
‘Dirty laundry’ that keeps you up at night
Got a burning secret that you’re keeping from them? And it’s eating you up inside? Better speak now or forever hold your peace.
Everyone views secrets differently.
Some believe that there shouldn’t be any secrets between a couple. Honesty is the best policy. And if the couple is strong enough, they will accept the secret and figure out a way to move forward together.
Others believe there are things that don’t need to be shared and not knowing that information can protect someone from getting hurt. You know, ignorance is bliss and the burden of keeping that secret is justified as a selfless act.
Ultimately, if the secret is big enough to keep you up at night and it affects how you are around your partner and how you treat them, it needs to be shared. Your partner will notice things are off and it will be detrimental to your relationship. You might as well nip it in the bud before you walk down the aisle.
So Readers, have you talked to your partner about these 4 things? What other things do you think couples should talk about before getting married?
