We all want what’s best for our husbands. But when do we become over-responsible for their well-being?
What is ‘Over-functioning’?
The other day, I came across the term ‘over-functioning’ while browsing through some self-help articles. It’s a type of behaviour where someone manages their anxiety by functioning for others who are completely capable of taking care of themselves.
Some classic examples are backseat driving, giving unsolicited advice and taking over someone’s task because you’re “better at it.”
Side note: Even though I focused this post on women, it doesn’t mean that men don’t over-function. This behaviour transcends gender, culture, relationship status, sexual preference etc. Anxiety can affect anyone.
Mom duties
As a mom, it’s been my bread and butter to ‘over-function’ for my children. From the day they were born, I’ve been feeding them, changing them, bathing them, soothing them etc. They couldn’t do those things for themselves so it’s my responsibility to fill those gaps. So technically, it’s not ‘over-functioning’ when it comes to young babies and toddlers.
But as my daughter has grown, there have been moments where I feel the urge to over-function for things she’s completely capable of doing.
Biting my nails as she takes what seems like hours to put her socks and shoes on…
PatientlyAnxiously waiting as she struggles with her jacket’s zipper…Sitting at the edge of my seat, fighting my instincts, watching her eat congee as the little grains of wet rice dribble down the side of her mouth…
And lastly, I can’t bear to watch her play Angry Birds on the iPad. Whether it’s using the ‘wrong’ bird or not stretching the slingshot far back enough, I can’t help but interfere.
And when I do, she gives me the evil “Fuck off, mom” stare that I remember giving to my parents (Oh, I can’t wait for the teenage years).
So parents pretty much function for their kids when they’re super young and helpless but then start to do less as the child gets older. It becomes very obvious when they don’t require you to function for them anymore.
They can wipe their own asses.
They can bathe, feed and dress themselves.
They no longer need you to hold their hand when they’re crossing the street.
They can physically reach all the cupboards and pour themselves a glass of milk without spilling (and clean up the mess if they did).
They can stay at home by themselves and heat up a pizza.
They can drive themselves to soccer practice.
Wife Duties
However, with spouses, it gets a little muddy. Two people come together during a time when they’re both independent already.
How are you supposed to know if you’re doing too much or just showing that you care and love them?
Before agreeing to marry my husband, we talked about many things to make sure we’re both on the same page. From the decision to have kids to where we should live to our financial affairs, we were transparent with our ‘dirty laundry’ prior to getting hitched.
I told him about my past relationships, what happened with my exes and why they didn’t work out. I vulnerably shared with him the unhealthy behaviours that I exhibited which contributed to the demise of those relationships.
And one of those behaviours was over-functioning.
I didn’t know it was called over-functioning at the time but that’s what I was doing, trying to be my exes’ mothers (even though I wasn’t even one yet…SMH) instead of their girlfriends.
That toxic behaviour ate away at me and I became controlling, resentful and overbearing.
I wanted him to know what I was absolutely not responsible for when it came to his life, things that I took over in previous relationships that I didn’t need to. These were my blindspots and I wanted him to be aware of them in case I stepped over my boundaries.
Most importantly, it keeps him accountable to do things that he’s completely capable of doing for himself.
It’s a marriage win-win.
So here’s a list of 6 signs that indicate you may be acting more like his mom than his wife:
1. Trying to change his appearance
Imagine his birthday’s coming up or it’s Christmas or your anniversary or whatever.
You’re shopping for his gift. You decide to buy clothes for him.
Do you buy clothes he wants to wear?
or
Do you buy clothes you want him to wear?
I remember doing the latter on so many occasions with my exes. It was as though they were my personal makeover projects, forcing them to look a certain way, to have a style that I considered attractive.
It’s totally fine to buy clothes for your husband. But if they end up never wearing them or only wearing them because you want them to, what’s the point? Talk about money not well spent.
If he starts dressing like a bum, looking unkempt all the time and/or not taking care of his personal hygiene, it’s his responsibility to change.
Also, if that were to happen, there’s an underlying issue that goes beyond his appearance.
2. Knowing his schedule more than he does
Whether you have a family schedule displayed in your kitchen or a shared calendar that’s on your phone, it’s helpful to know what you’re each doing. For instance, schedules are important when you’re trying to plan events together or when you have to organize activities for the kids.
When you think about his responsibilities, do you do things to ensure he does them?
Do you over worry that he won’t do them so you take over, spoonfeeding him without him even knowing?
He’s got an early meeting tomorrow. Just going to check that his alarm is on for 6:00am.
He hates swallowing pills and he didn’t take his vitamin D today. Let me put crush one up and put it in his rice.
He’s got an early shift tomorrow; I don’t think he should be going out with his buddies tonight. I’m going to stay up until he gets home to make sure he goes to bed on time.
His dentist appointment is during his lunch hour. I’ll text him before to remind him.
Your husband is a full-grown man who is completely capable of fulfilling his duties.
When you’re constantly trying to “help” him, if/when he doesn’t keep to his schedule, you’re going to blame yourself for something you weren’t responsible for in the first place.
It’s his screw-up and he will suffer the consequences. You married a man with integrity. You should trust that the disappointment he feels in himself will force him to develop his own process to prevent it from happening again.
If he keeps missing appointments, becoming irresponsible and breaking his commitments, that’s when you need to have a conversation about what’s really going.
3. Controlling what he eats and/or drinks
Do you secretly hide food or alcohol from him so he doesn’t overindulge?
Do you lecture him about healthy eating or his drinking habits?
Do you guilt-trip or get angry at him whenever he eats something you don’t want him to eat? Or whenever he doesn’t eat something you want him to eat?
Do you like to portion his food so that he either eats more (veggies) or less of the foods (meat and carbs) you want him to eat?
Do you tell him what to order at a restaurant when he hasn’t asked you for your opinion?
You obviously want him to have a long and healthy life. Having a well-balanced diet is a huge part of that.
However, it’s his body and it’s his decision to put what he wants in it. If he wants to feed it chips and beer every day, then he’s obviously not prioritizing his own health and doesn’t care to have a long and healthy life with you.
And you can ask him to eat better but it’s not within your control to make that happen.
A healthy marriage requires both partners to continuously work on themselves, keeping each other in check and constantly assessing what we need, want and deserve from each other.
And if he’s not keeping up his end of the bargain, you have to learn to accept that or move forward.
4. Meddling in his relationships
Do you think some of his friends are a bad influence on him and you’ve told him not to hang out with them?
Do you constantly remind him to call his best friend or parent or sibling etc. even though he’s told you he doesn’t feel the need to talk to them?
Do you give him advice on how to deal with his family when he hasn’t asked you?
Do you always update him on what’s going on in his side of the family even though he can do that himself?
I get it! Parents want their kids to hang out with the ‘good’ kids. We want to teach them the skills to deal with conflict and to develop healthy interpersonal relationships.
But wait, that’s not the role of a spouse.
It may cause discomfort for you to see him keep toxic friends, lose touch with good friends or family; however, you have to let him manage his own relationships.
You can offer your advice when asked but it’s not your responsibility to fix things. Also what you think needs ‘fixing’ may not be what he wants to be fixed.
5. Controlling his spending
Money, money, money…MONEY
This is almost the same as trying to control what he eats and drinks but slightly muddier since you share financial goals.
In some marriages, one spouse is in control of the budget and gives an “allowance” to the other spouse.
In other marriages, the couple has a joint account in which both spouses contribute to and pays for all their shared expenses.
It all depends on how capable the spouse is to manage their own money and whether that spouse is willing to give up control.
If he’s completely capable and isn’t overspending but you’re…
Going through his credit card bills and interrogating him about every expense…
Going through his receipts…
Keeping track of all his purchases and calculating how much he’s spending and saving every month…
Then you’re doing something you don’t need to do.
Personally, I believe both spouses should have the money skills to manage the household in case one isn’t able to.
So my husband and I have ongoing conversations about money. We split our bills and mortgage but it’s dynamic depending on who is generating more income at the time, ensuring we optimize on our investment and tax options.
Shit happens. I can get sick or he can get sick. Or we may fall out of love.
I don’t want to be stranded, trying to figure out what’s going on with our mortgage or bills or investments etc.
6. Overhelping with his career aspirations
Oh, it’s the classic romantic comedy where the female lead is a strong, independent, career woman who falls for a deadbeat.
She tries to help him by over-functioning:
Writing his cover letter and resume
Actively searching and applying for jobs for him
Asking everyone in her network to give him a chance
Researching and sending him information on courses he could take to beef up his skills and abilities
Telling him he should talk to this person or that person about his career aspirations
She gives him an ultimatum and breaks up with him because she can’t handle his shortcomings. She realizes she deserves better even though she loves him.
However, the break-up acts as a catalyst for the male lead to get his shit together. He does some self-reflection, talks to his no-bullshit, bland best friend character who sets him straight.
Cue a montage or timelapse of events where he’s working hard, doing everything she wanted him to do and becoming successful. Then comes the crazy romantic gesture scene and he wins her heart back…
Or whatever smoke Hollywood tries to sell.
Yeah, it doesn’t work that way.
What can you do?
The first step is having the self-awareness to recognize the behaviour.
Some of these things seem normal to do; however, it becomes an issue when you’re doing these things to manage your own anxiety, trying to control something you have no control over.
Next, figure out how you want to actually behave.
For instance, for every over-functioning behaviour that you do, what is something you can do instead?
Maybe turning a blind eye on things that trigger you? You know, ignorance is bliss sometimes.
After, test out the discomfort of not doing anything, letting him be responsible for something you used to do for him.
Lastly, think of things you’d like to take responsibility for in your own life.
Perhaps a goal you’ve had for years or a hobby you’ve always wanted to try but never had the chance because your mind was too pre-occupied with his responsibilities.
So Readers, what are some things you can’t help but do for your spouse? What are some ways you’ve tried to step back?
