3 THINGS ASIAN PARENTS WITH GROWN KIDS NEED TO STOP DOING

You can’t seem to get through to your 20 something or 30 something-year-old “kid”.

They don’t want to talk to you.

At family dinner, they’re on their phones, not much eye contact or they’ll bark one-word answers, possibly roll their eyes at you and scoff every time you make a comment.

They eat your food and then leave.

Or maybe they even ran away from home and don’t even talk to you.

You didn’t raise your son or daughter to be so disrespectful.

You’re an elder and why can’t they respect your wisdom.

You’re doling out unsolicited advice left, right and centre, and your kid just won’t listen to you.

I mean obviously, you know what’s best for them.

You raised them, you fed them, you uprooted your entire life from your home country so they could have a better life than you.

And your kids are just ungrateful, spoiled little North American brats who didn’t suffer through what you suffered through back home.

Okay newsflash, Uncle or Auntie…you don’t get it.

In order to start having a relationship with your kid, I want you to listen to me very carefully.

Here are 3 things you need to do:

1. Stop giving unsolicited advice

From what they should be doing for a living, who they should be dating, how they should parent, what clothes they should be wearing, what house they should be buying, just don’t.

This includes making comments about their physical appearance. Like their skin (pointing out pimples, acne, how dark they are) or how fat they got (how big their belly is or how chubby their arms are)

Your kid is grown up and they grew up in North America where culturally and socially, comments like those aren’t accepted.

It hurts their feelings even if they don’t say so and makes them resent you and not want to see you.

Perhaps your parents did that to you and have you made you super insecure about whatever physical appearance characteristic that you don’t want your kid to be insecure about it either.

Trust me, your kid knows if they have bad skin or gained weight (especially if you’ve been telling them since they were young and you’re projecting your own insecurities onto them). Honestly, by bringing it up one more time isn’t going to motivate them to change. 

Unless they specifically asked you for your opinion, just don’t. The reason for this is because no one likes to be told what to do and it makes them feel like you don’t trust their judgment and that you don’t have confidence in them to make decisions themselves.

And what is trust directly related to?

Honesty.

How can you expect your kid to share their life with you honestly and transparently if they don’t trust you?

Your kid is old. You’ve done all that you can do. Your job telling them what to do is done. Tell them that and make a commitment to them that you’re going to stop.

2. Stop comparing

A sibling, a cousin, a family friend, so and so’s kid is doing this or that. No one cares. It doesn’t motivate your kid to do better.

It doesn’t help your relationship with him or her. It deteriorates their self-esteem and makes them distance themselves from you.

Why would anyone want to hang around someone who constantly makes them feel bad about themselves?

If they bring up something they’re proud of, congratulate them on their success and be happy for them.

If they bring up something they’re planning to do, ask them questions about it and learn about their idea.

Don’t start your next sentence with “so and so is now a doctor or lawyer or having kids or getting married.”

They don’t want to hear about another person. They want you to listen to THEM and focus your attention on THEM. Your relationship with your child includes 2 people: you and them.

So don’t bring other people into it.

3. Drop your ego

Yeah, I get it. I’m a parent too.

You’ve invested so much time, blood, sweat and tears into this little child. You really want what’s best for them and you THINK you know them since you raised them since they were born.

But do you really know them?

Like as an adult not as the sweet 7-year-old girl or boy who used to get your slippers for you when you came home.

When did they start distancing from you?

They’re shutting you out for a reason and it’s because you don’t actually want to get to know them as a peer.

You still see them as a child.

You think you know them so well that every time she or he tries to share something with you, you immediately assume what they’re going to say (and stop listening) or you start telling them what to do.

So drop your damn ego and really start to get know your kid.

Ask questions, admit that you don’t really know them.

Learn English if you need to or ask them to be patient with you when you’re trying to explain something.

Learn how to use Google translate.

And if you think you know English, do you really?

Can you actually carry on an in-depth conversation in English?

And if you’re thinking, well my kid’s supposed to come to me since I’m the elder and I’m their parent.

Ask yourself, does it really matter who starts the conversation?

Ultimately, you want a better relationship with your kid.

Who has more time to be stubborn?