I used to believe I needed to forget my exes; however, that experience taught me so much about myself. 5 valuable life lessons learned from my past relationships.
I used to believe I needed to forget my exes
When I was younger, I would cringe with regret whenever a random thought popped into my head about a guy I used to date. It’s like 2 am and I’m staring at the clock thinking about those nights I stayed up with an ex-boyfriend to watch the World Cup even though I find soccer (sorry…football) incredibly boring. And how months later, he left me for someone who actually liked soccer. Then I’d shudder myself back to sleep.
There’s no need to think about the time I went on a text rampage, calling him horrendous names while he was partying in Vegas and his phone was off. Or the times I stayed up all night, brewing silently because I was mad at him for something ridiculous but didn’t want to talk about it. Or all those years supporting a guy emotionally, mentally, financially, thinking he’d marry me but he ultimately didn’t love me.
I used to believe I needed to scrub clean of my past and start fresh every time I stepped into a new relationship. So when I first started dating my husband, I told him I didn’t want to talk about my past relationships. The past is the past right?
However, I’ve realized the experience and wisdom I gained from being with my exes have not only helped my marriage but taught me so much about myself. Here are 5 valuable life lessons I learned from my exes.
1. How to be emotionally intimate with someone
When I reflect back on my first serious relationship, I was quite emotionally immature. I didn’t know how to be vulnerable with another person. I would keep secrets, not share my true opinions, and went along with whatever he wanted. Every time he asked me what I thought, I’d become a vacuous doll and answer,
“What do you think?”
And I’d agree with whatever he said. When I got mad, I would give him the silent treatment, stonewalling him. He would ask me what’s wrong and I would shake my head and say nothing. I remember he asked me countless times to share my feelings with him but the more he pushed me to share, the more I pulled back.
The relationship was short-lived but going through the painful break-up and healing from the heartache made me emotionally grow. I learned to open up to others, sharing my thoughts, feelings and opinions, trust that they won’t hurt me and know it’ll be okay if they do.
2. Disagreement is bound to happen in relationships
When I started sharing my true opinions, I realized that not everyone is going to agree with me and that includes the person I was with. My past relationships taught me how to navigate arguments, not expect my partner to agree with everything I say and not agree with everything my partner says.
The first fight in a relationship is always scary because you don’t know how the other person will respond, what their arguing style is and how they deal with conflict. In addition, you’re not sure how you’re going to react either because it may be something no one has ever disagreed with you on.
Going through the fights and resolving them with an ex gave me the experience to get through the first argument in the next relationship and the confidence to continue working through the issues instead of giving up or covering them up. I learned to fight fairly, to have difficult conversations and to respect opinions even when they don’t align with my own.
3. Stop idealizing “The One”
I used to believe in soul mates, that there was only one person in the world I’m supposed to spend the rest of my life with. And I really wanted my last ex to be “The One”. So I idealized our relationship, setting the bar high, glazing over our issues, his flaws, my shortcomings and putting pressure on us to meet unrealistic expectations. We grew apart despite the pressure to stay together; however, I didn’t want to accept it. I denied the truth because I was delusional about him being “The One”.
When we put our partners on a pedestal, only disappointment ensues. Relationships don’t work like fairytales. There is no happily ever after. People aren’t perfect and neither am I. People make mistakes. We drop the ball. We don’t show up. We’re late. We lie. We cheat. We say hurtful things. We take our partners for granted. We’re not grateful. We don’t show appreciation. We fall out of love. We grow apart. We stop trying.
Therefore, I no longer think there’s such a thing as “The One”. Now I believe there are many people in the world I am compatible with, just as imperfect as myself, wandering around from all walks of life. It was only because the stars aligned and I met one of them at the right time and place in our lives and we got married.
4. People change for themselves, not for others
We all have this list of qualities that we desire in a partner whether we’re aware of it or not. It starts to become more apparent when you get in a relationship with someone. The more you get to know them, the more you realize the things you like about them and the things you don’t. And of course, among those things you don’t, there are specific things you’d want them to change.
Why can’t you be more attentive? More patient? More ambitious? More romantic? More risk-averse? More risk-taking? More passionate? More adventurous?
Talk more? Talk less? Listen better? Exercise more? Spend less money? Eat healthier?
Through past relationships, I learned that my partner cannot be anything more or less than who they are unless they intrinsically choose to be. People do change but when they do it because someone asked them to, the change never lasts. When relationships are based on conditions (ie. “I’ll only stay if you do X”), it’s not a good sign; the person changing only resents their partner and the person asking for the change will face the backlash of their partner’s resentment.
I’ve been in that toxic cycle and I learned that the expectations I have for myself cannot be the same for my partner because then I’m setting myself up for perpetual resentment.
I can express how I feel and how I want things to be different; however, I cannot put my relationship on the line as a bargaining chip for him to change. If I choose to leave him, it would be on my own accord because I couldn’t accept him for who he is, not because he wasn’t willing to change for me. Understanding that difference in deciding whether to stay with someone has been integral in my marriage.
5. An ex is a reflection of who I was not who I am
Instead of shuddering with regret, I now reminisce about who I was when I was with each of my exes. Just because the relationship ended didn’t mean it wasn’t worth it. There were memories of joy, laughter, excitement, love, passion, and wonderful conversations that I will cherish until I’m an old grandma.
Yes, there are moments when I cringe, regretting my choices and behaviour; however, an ex is a reflection of who I was not who I am. If it weren’t for those failed relationships, I wouldn’t have grown and become the person I am today. Every chapter that ends builds to another and I’m still writing this book.
So Readers, what are some lessons you’ve learned from your past relationships?
