HOW BEING RAISED BY IMMIGRANT PARENTS AFFECTS YOUR RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHERS

My daughter and I have this routine where we make muffins together every weekend while my husband, Brian does his open houses.

Recently, we were having breakfast when I mention to Brian that I’m going to focus more on making bread now

He says, “Sure, just don’t make too much.”

All of a sudden, a wave of hurt feelings come rushing into me. So I bark, “Why would you say that? Have I been making too much? It’s not like stuff gets wasted.”

He’s dumbfounded and starts to explain the practical reasons for not making too much bread in case it goes bad and we’d have to throw it out.

I take a deep breath and a moment for myself to reflect.

Growing up as an Asian-Canadian, my mom showed her love towards my sisters and me thru food with my sisters.

She would take a lot of time thinking about the best dishes to make for us. I loved tofu dishes…My middle sister loved eggs and my oldest loved potato chicken. She’d get creative in the kitchen and test out new recipes she’d seen on TV or in the newspaper.

And many times, my dad would tell her” don’t make so much because I don’t eat it”

My mom would get upset but instead of saying how she was feeling, she would retort back, “I’m making it for my girls, not you. So you don’t have to eat it”

But I didn’t want to say that to my husband. I wanted to change the way we communicate with each other in front of my daughter. Instead of having a fight and building resentment towards him, I told him this story

He tells me now he understands why I initially reacted that way and why his words hurt my feelings.

I understood myself more and he got to be part of that thought process

Take a moment when you get a trigger moment where you feel annoyed, angry or hurt…think it through. Take a deep breath and ask yourself why? What is it about those words specifically that makes me react this way what are my values? Which ones is this person pinching? Then communicate that to the person, focusing on YOUR feelings and YOUR story.

What do you do when you have a trigger moment? 

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