Survival doesn't equal thriving, and our kids deserve more than that.
Not long ago, another mom asked if I was planning to enroll my kid in math tutoring, French classes, music lessons, martial arts, soccer…you know — the full litany of extracurriculars.
I smiled politely and said, “Actually, I was that kid.”
The one who was an accomplished pianist with straight A’s, glowing report cards, and university scholarships. The one who never missed a lesson, rarely got in trouble, always had her eye on the next gold star. I volunteered at senior homes and kids camps, worked part-time and managed to pay for my own driving lessons.
From the outside, I was every parent’s dream. But on the inside?
I was battling crippling anxiety. Disordered eating. Depression. Perfectionism that stole my joy and suffocated any sense of play. I didn’t know who I was, what I liked, or how to be without trying to win approval, especially from my parents.
I don’t blame them for signing me up for everything. As immigrants, they wanted me to take advantage of every opportunity I could and make the sacrifices and efforts they made leaving their home worthwhile. They thought it was the best path to success. And at the end, in their eyes, I did turn out “fine.”
But surviving childhood is not the same as thriving in it. And just because I looked “successful” on paper doesn’t mean I was okay.
That’s why I’m parenting differently.
I’m not trying to raise résumé kids.
I’m raising whole humans.
I have the privilege to give my children choices. I don’t need to maximize their opportunities here. My parents worked very hard to plant the seed towards generational wealth. My husband and I have the knowledge, capacity and skills to grow that bit of wealth into a self-sustaining foundation that affords a life where our kids aren’t pressured to do it all with a fear of missing out.
Yes, it will be crucial for them to develop a strong work ethic and build resilience and resourcefulness, but they won’t feel pressured to take it all on by themselves. They aren’t alone like we were. They can breathe.
Instead of overscheduling and overstimulating, I want to help my kids discover who they are. Not what looks good. Not what gets praise. But what actually lights them up on the inside?
Yes, I still believe in structure and support. But I’m not confusing quantity with quality. And I’m definitely not parenting to impress other adults — including my own parents.
Generational curses don’t break themselves. They get broken by conscious, courageous choices.
If you were the “good kid” who quietly suffered,
If you learned to conflate achievement with worth,
If you still find yourself chasing your parents’ approval, even now…it’s time to pause and reflect on what that has cost you.
That’s exactly what my Shadow Work Journal is for.
50 Shadow Work Prompts: A Journal to Uncover Your Hidden Psyche
Inside you’ll find:
Reflective prompts that help you untangle the way you were parented
Space to unpack the “I turned out fine” myth
Room to reimagine how you want to show up for the next generation
And compassionate invitations to redefine success on your own terms
Because turning out “fine” is not the goal.
Raising emotionally safe, self-aware, joy-filled kids — now that’s worth redefining everything for.
Until next time,
Katharine
