How My Husband And I Stopped Fighting About Cleaning (7-minute read)

There are dirty dishes in the sink, building crud like plaque on teeth that haven’t been brushed for months. The bathroom floor is hairier than Austin Powers’ chest. The basket of laundry sits in the hallway, collecting more dust than a CD player. 

What do you do? How do you feel? Who was supposed to do what? 

Does resentment build? Is turning a blind eye part of the game?

When bickering turns into a fight

When my husband and I first started living together, cleaning was a point of contention. This was mostly because it was blurry in terms of who was supposed to do what. 

For instance, I would load the dishwasher, assuming he would either empty or load it the next time. But then he wouldn’t do either. My assumptions led to unmet expectations and that small bud of annoyance would bloom into bitter resentment.

Or he would clean the bathroom. But he would make irritating huffing and puffing sounds as he did it. Then when he was done, he would make snide remarks under his breath about how dirty the toilets were, how much hair was in the shower drain and how gross it was for him to do it. I’d roll my eyes and tell him to shut up while he shamed my tolerance of living in filth.

Over time, the lack of communication and an unclear division of cleaning duties drove us apart; we’d bicker incessantly about how to properly load a dishwasher. It was getting ridiculous and we were fed up with how often we were fighting. 

We knew we came from different upbringings, lived separately and developed our own cleaning habits before living together. But what we didn’t realize was that sharing a living space didn’t mean living separate lives in a shared space. It meant figuring out new habits as a team to maintain that space peacefully.

So we started talking about our concerns instead of holding them in. Whenever we could sense we were about to bicker, we talked through the issue instead of letting it blow up into a fight. Over time, it’s created some harmony in the household when it came to cleaning. 

6 years and 2 kids later, our system still works and we didn’t have to hire a cleaner. Here’s what we figured out:

Start with who prefers to do what

I don’t think anyone really enjoys doing household chores. I mean the word chore rhymes with the word bore so that pretty much sums it up.

However, there are some things that my husband and I prefer to do over others. So we started breaking down the tasks in order of preference.

When it comes to cleaning the floors, he doesn’t mind vacuuming. He says it’s gratifying to hear the little clicks when he sucks up the crumbs and forgotten nuggets of food off the floor. In addition, he prefers to do that over mopping. I don’t mind doing either. So he vacuums and I mop.

We both actually enjoy cooking. Some folks may get stressed out trying to figure out what to make for dinner but for us, it can feel like an adventure. So we had to decide who was going to cook. 

Then assign by who is better at it (physical ability, knowledge, experience)

I’ve been cooking since I was barely 10 years old. So by far, I am the better cook. He can attest to that. In addition, I have a background and an interest in health and nutrition. 

Therefore, my experience and knowledge make me more efficient, resourceful and creative in the kitchen. As a busy family of 4, our meals need to be prepared quickly without much effort. So it made sense for me to do it.

Biology plays a part in who does what in our household. No matter how many pushups, pull-ups and deadlifts I do at the gym, I will always be shorter, smaller and less strong than him. He is physically able to do more work in a shorter amount of time than me. 

Therefore, he does all the yard work, mowing and maintaining the lawn, repairs inside and outside the house, trimming the trees, adding soil to the garden, raking leaves, weeding and so forth. He takes out the garbage, recycling and compost every week. He is better at these tasks and more efficient than me. Oh, I’ve tried to do it and it takes me three times as long to do everything he does.

Next, prioritize depending on who has the higher standard

The chores that are left are the things we can both do well but don’t enjoy doing. So we determine who does what depending on who has the higher standard, specifically how thorough and how picky the task needs to be done.

Dishwasher

For about a year, I was the one who loaded the dishwasher. And that was painful. Apparently, according to my husband, there is a correct and an incorrect way to do this and I was doing the latter every single time. Accusations include:

I wasn’t optimizing the space and would often run it when it wasn’t completely ‘full’. 

I was putting items in that shouldn’t have been on the bottom rack and items that should have been hand washed. 

Anyway, after being criticized for a year, I threw my gloves off and handed them to him.

Since then, he’s been responsible for clearing the dishes from the dining table, rinsing them and loading the dishwasher. And I am responsible for unloading it. It’s a happy medium that I can’t believe took a year to figure out.

Laundry

I’m the type who doesn’t sort by colour or fabric. I do not buy dry clean only clothes. I keep my bras in a mesh bag and throw everything else in the washing machine. Load it up, press a button and when it’s done, I put everything into the dryer. 

However, my husband is more particular when it comes to his clothes and doing laundry. He’s a realtor so he has to dress presentable. Some items need to be hung dry. Some need to be separated from his higher maintenance dress shirts and slacks. And I can’t remember the rest. Therefore, I do not do his laundry. Fridays are my laundry days where I do two loads, one for my clothes and one for the kids. He’ll do his own laundry whenever and throws in some towels here and there. 

Kitchen

Since I’m the one who cooks, I am anal about cleaning the kitchen counters. I am really careful about food safety. I still shake in my boots whenever I’m reminded of the week of torture I experienced when I got the Norwalk virus. 

It would be one of my worst nightmares if cross-contamination happened and my family got food poisoning from my cooking. I’m also the one who puts away leftovers and any food that’s sitting to prevent bacteria from multiplying.

Bathrooms

Bathrooms are probably the grossest part of a home. From the strands of hair in the shower drain to the toothpaste splatters on the mirror to the unsightly stains on the toilet seats, neither one of us wants to clean the other’s nastiness.

So we are fortunate that we have more than one full bathroom in our house. We actually have 4. And no, that wasn’t one of the reasons why we bought the place. We would have been perfectly happy with two.

I use the one in our master bedroom and he uses the one on the main floor. Use means everything, from number twos, showering, flossing, shaving to trimming nose hairs. He doesn’t get to see my crap and I don’t get to see his. He has a lower tolerance when it comes to dirty bathrooms so he is the one who cleans the other 2 bathrooms in addition to his own.

Out of sight, out of mind. I almost never go into his except when I’m brushing our daughter’s teeth; he only goes into mine when he gives our son a bath.

Work Areas

Again, we are fortunate that our space is big enough that we can have separate work areas. His is in the basement and mine is in the attic and we are responsible for keeping those areas neat and tidy. I only go downstairs when I have to do laundry or to get something from the deep freezer. And he only goes into the attic when he has to hang dry his clothes. 

It minimizes the amount of time we have to be in each other’s work areas. We’re able to tolerate those small moments enough that it doesn’t make us resent each other. 

We really try not to micromanage each other

We have a mutually agreed motto,

“If you care more about it, then you do it!”

If either of us starts to nag the other about their assigned responsibilities, it’s up to the nagger to take on the responsibility.

Last bits of advice

I’ve heard many couples who hired a cleaner and how it’s basically saved their marriage. So I’m not saying cleaners aren’t worth it. They totally are if that suits your lifestyle and can afford it. 

Also, if it’s very difficult to split or share the responsibilities (For instance, one is not willing to do any housework or one is not willing to let the other do anything), there’s a deeper issue than cleaning.

So Readers, how do you and your partner split the cleaning duties? How has that affected your relationship?