How I avoided the Asian family drama at my wedding (12-minute read)

So before I rant about the Asian family drama that happens whenever someone gets engaged and the things you can do to prevent that, let me share with you a few factors that I had absolutely no control over that helped me avoid a lot of that stuff.

Being the youngest

Both my husband and I are the youngest in the family and we have sisters. He has one and I have two. And as the youngest, there’s definitely a lot less pressure to meet family and social expectations. Both sides had already been through a wedding and got their needs met, itches scratched, anxieties dampened, traditions fulfilled. So by the time the youngest offspring decides to get hitched, it’s anti-climactic. They’re more interested in the grandkids than the actual wedding. 

Perhaps they learned their lessons the first time around? 

Getting yelled at by your daughter and/or son during the tea ceremony whilst getting blamed for spreading a rumour about a certain niece going on academic probation doesn’t exactly create fond memories for Asian families. 

Or perhaps emptying entire wallets to please a ridiculous number of guests only to be left with gossip and negative criticism about not including abalone and bird’s nest soup on the menu will have left a bitter taste in their mouths?

When my eldest sister got married, she got the brunt of the traditions. I honestly can’t tell you all of them because I wasn’t involved. I was 23, living my life, focused on my own shit as any other 20 something-year-old would. I did what the bride told me to and not much else.

Like many Asian kids, she and my brother-in-law had to do more than one wedding, one where they live and one where their parents came from. In their case, my dad suggested (or shall I say demanded) they have a “small dinner” in Hong Kong. 

So in many ways, I’m grateful for my birth order despite all the horrible things associated with being the youngest (We’re less intelligent, more spoiled, and risky? Boo…I demand more research as I’m stomping my feet).

But of course, there are exceptions. Some Asian families can’t escape the drama especially if most of the Aunties and Uncles immigrated as well. This is especially true for massive families, which are common since back in the day, everybody had like 8 siblings.

More kids = more help = more family income = increased chance of survival

Also, having more kids created a safety net in case some didn’t survive, which happened to my family on my dad’s side. 

Almost all of my extended family still live in Hong Kong

However, luckily for me, almost all of my extended family still live in Hong Kong. None really immigrated here because they like where they are. I have an aunt who did but they went back and forth when I was growing up and now my cousin lives in Hong Kong. So she goes there pretty regularly to see him. 

Most of my extended family (most, not all because I don’t know them that well. I’m grasping at straws with what my parents told me.) don’t have a desire to travel out to the wild wild west. They like where they are. 

Plus, a plane ticket to Canada is much more expensive (and less fun) than a plane ticket to Japan, Singapore or Malaysia. 

Mountains, snow, forests and getting cold? 

Or shopping, food, shopping and more eating delicious food? 

So when it came down to who to invite (I’ll talk more about the guest list later), there weren’t too many randoms that my parents wanted at the table. 

You know, like the auntie who held you that one time when you were 8 months old and all she can talk about is how chubby you were? 

And you’re like, 

“Dad, I don’t even know her! And you want me to kick my best friend from University off the list to invite her?”

And he’ll be like,

“Yes. She did so much for our family back when we were struggling. She let us live in her basement for 6 months while I was looking for a job. We owe it to her.”

And you’re like,

“Fuck that. I’m not having some random lady at my wedding”

But then the guilt would set in and you’ll cross Becky’s name off the list and add Mrs. Chang or whatever.

But then Mrs. Chang decides to bring a friend…and you’re like, 

“WTF?”

And then you become a bridezilla, yelling at your dad across the restaurant while he’s schmoozing with another family friend who wasn’t supposed to be invited.

A drama-free upbringing leads to a drama-free wedding.

Okay, so despite having published a book titled How To Deal With Asian Parents, it’s not like they did everything wrong. From resourcefulness, ensuring I kept my native language, food, family time to extracurricular activities, there are many things my parents taught me that I value and are preserving with my own kids. 

And the family drama was something my parents had no tolerance for and shielded us from. They are relatively drama-free people. 

Before I go on, I want to define what drama-free means. 

A person who is drama-free does NOT mean someone who does not have problems or someone who is always happy or stress-free or calm. Everyone has issues. Drama-free means someone who is completely confident and secure with themselves to express their emotions and problems in a respectable manner. They DO NOT project their own issues onto others by spreading rumours or gossip about them as a way to make themselves feel better. 

Someone who has drama will feed off unfortunate information about other people to make themselves feel good. Often, they want to appear as the source of reason, the person that people confide in to fix their problems, the one who knows everything and everyone because that’s how their significance is defined. 

They replenish their self-esteem and self-worth by baiting others into trash talk. They’re the ones who will promise not to say anything to anyone but will turn their back and tell your secret to the next person they see. They have loose lips because their lips are what they’re proud of. They’re also the ones who will often start their sentences off as, 

“I’m not supposed to tell you this but…”

And when they experience misfortune, they overshare; they want others to join their pity party and they’ll start to reap what they believe they’ve sown. 

Sadly, there are Asian kids with parents who are drawn to drama like a moth to a flame. This prevents the kids from being honest, building trust, sharing any aspect of their lives, with a fear that their parents will tell everyone (literally everyone from a family friend to a neighbour to a stranger sitting beside them at the doctor’s office) about it. 

When kids grow up in that environment, it makes it hard for them to show vulnerability with others because they are paranoid about how that information will be used against them later on. They hold their cards close to their chests because they’ve probably experienced in the past where they let their guard down and got burned for it. 

My parents did well by me.

However, fortunately, the stars aligned when I was born and I have to give credit to my parents for being incredibly trustworthy. 

When they talk about what’s going on in the rest of the Chan family, they don’t make a big deal about it. Since most of my extended family are physically on the other side of the world, gossip isn’t really gossip because the information they tell me doesn’t mean much to me. And my relationships with my cousins, aunts and uncles are almost as distant as the relationship I have with whoever is reading this right now. 

Out of sight, out of mind.

They’ll say so and so is getting married. So and so has become a lawyer. So and so is having a kid. So and so has cancer. So and so died. 

I’m like, 

“Oh damn…or oh that’s great…or which cousin is that again?”

So growing up without all my aunts, uncles and cousins around has its benefits not just for the lack of drama but it’s given me courage (or shall I say a lack of paranoia) to share these thoughts and feelings online. Even if family members do gossip about me, I don’t have the history with them to care enough about their opinion because our relationship is only by blood. 

In addition, it’s made our immediate family close. Sure, my childhood would have been more lively “熱鬧” and perhaps I would have a few more family members to confide in aside from my parents and sisters; however, that, I will never know.

My secrets were kept secrets

I also know my secrets are safe with my parents. And that’s huge!

For instance, when we found out I was pregnant with our son, I told my parents right away because I needed their support. Also, I needed them to watch our daughter while I went to the doctor’s appointments. I told them not to say anything to anyone, specifically my in-laws. They kept their promise.

Then when everyone found out at the 3-month mark, my parents had dim sum with my in-laws; my mother-in-law pulls my mom aside and asked whether she knew before her. 

My mom’s slick words were, 

“No, but I did wonder why she went to the doctor’s more often than usual.” 

I know this happened because my mom told me later that day. Her loyalty is to her kids. And that’s how I’m going to be with my kids. That trust is golden. My kids need to feel safe telling me things without fear of me sharing it with the world. 

As someone who doesn’t believe in luck or superstitions, I thank my lucky stars for being the youngest, having extended family who live far away and parents who will take secrets to their grave because those definitely contributed to a relatively peaceful wedding.

However, if you aren’t the youngest, have all your family in your face, up close and personal, and your parents are prone to gossip, then there were some things that I had control over that helped minimize the family drama

We had our ceremony 3 months before the reception

The day my husband and I said, “I do” occurred 3 months before the reception. It had 5 people: me, my husband, his sister, my sister and the officiant. 

It didn’t require much planning. We didn’t need to book a venue, set up chairs, hire a harpist, get flowers etc. 

We picked a date and time, a place we liked (in our case, it was a quiet botanical garden), contacted the officiant for her availability, told our sisters, and made a reservation at our favourite French restaurant that I had a Groupon for. I bought a white dress from Bryan’s fashion and some shoes from Payless (rest in peace my friends); I did my own makeup and hair for the day and off we went.

It was simple, incredibly intimate and low-key. We wrote our own vows and read them to each other. We took our time, no rush, no pressure, no schedule to follow, no pandering. It was one of the most meaningful and vulnerable days of our lives because we focused it on us and our commitment to each other as we began our roles as husband and wife. I didn’t need to put up a front; I could let loose, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

We set a limit on the guest list

So we started planning the reception after our ceremony. Because we were officially married, a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. We went through the salience of the wedding and now came the celebration. It was fun because it felt like we were planning a big party for all our close friends and family.

We set a limit on the guest list by having it in a restaurant that could only hold like 120 people. We also removed our egos when it came down to who had more/fewer people on the list. 

Since most of my family were in Hong Kong, it was effortless to come up with a list for my side. My dad had about 10 people and I was like, 

“Sure, whatever.” 

I limited it to only close friends. But to be honest, I didn’t (still don’t) have a lot of friends because I choose them wisely. The truth is not everyone will like me and I don’t like everyone. 

My husband’s side was a bit trickier since a lot of his family lived here. But it balanced out. I honestly didn’t care who he chose as long as everyone on my side was present. I had no beef with them since I’ve adopted this mindset about in-laws.

In the end, I think it was like a 40/60 split or something? We sent the evites and that was it. 

We didn’t people please 

I’m not a people pleaser but I used to be. I would try to get everyone to like me by saying and doing things that I don’t agree with. I wouldn’t voice my true opinions because I was afraid they wouldn’t like me, just nodding along because I wanted their approval. 

I’ve realized over the years (mainly in my 20’s) that succumbing to peer pressure, helping others that goes beyond your means, always saying yes when it doesn’t align with your values doesn’t make you a good person. It makes you a toxic one.

So for our reception, we weren’t afraid to say no. We had to be a united front; if one of us didn’t like something, it came down to why the other wanted it. If it was solely to appease others, we would nix it. 

And I think it’s a great philosophy to practice in marriage. At the end of the day, you’re in it together, no winning or losing, just a team effort. 

If feelings get hurt because you denied a family member or friend’s request, then they need to accept that. Those who want to make your wedding about them probably shouldn’t be there in the first place.

We picked the traditions that we both wanted

Ah Chinese wedding traditions. Don’t get me started. There are so many that I can’t even keep up. Some make sense. Some are random. Some are like, “Sure, why not?” Some are like, “Hell, yeah!”

The ones that stuck were the ones that required the least effort and/or were the tastiest. 

Little to no effort ones: I stayed over at my parents the night before the reception so that my mom could comb my hair (symbolizes my transition into adulthood). She also bought me a new mirror and pyjamas. 

Some effort ones: We arranged to have a small tea ceremony at my parents and in-laws before our reception.

Tasty ones: My husband and I love food so we both wanted the suckling pig. He went out and got it before delivering it to my parents. My mom and dad took charge of cutting and splitting it up and distributing it with the family members. 

We focused on having fun and enjoying ourselves

A wedding should be about two people and only those two people. By the time we got married, we had both been to so many weddings that we knew exactly what we wanted. 

We focused on having fun and couldn’t care less about what others thought. We kept it no-frills. We had 12 tables of 10 with a stereotypical set menu at a Chinese restaurant. Formalities were out the door, serving beer and wine that we canned and bottled ourselves. One of my friends created a slide show for us and the rest was provided by the restaurant. 

We MC’ed our own wedding because why the hell not? 

We shared our story of how we met online, bantering back and forth about how it really happened. I laughed and cried. I practiced gratitude for all the people I cared about by giving them individual shout outs and specific things I loved about them. 

I gave a speech in Cantonese dedicated to my parents and in-laws, ending it by singing a few verses of Jacky Cheung’s 你的名字 我的姓氏. 

“从此以后 无忧无求

故事平淡但当中有你

已经足够”

Ultimately, it’s the memories that we have of our wedding that matter. Drama or no-drama, we made sure it was our moment to remember.

So Readers, how was your experience planning a wedding? Did you have any drama?