When you want your kid to grow up tough enough to face the world but you don’t want to become your parents…What do you do?
“Suck it up.”
“Stop crying.”
“Toughen up.”
“What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.”
Asian Values Around Hard Work and Perseverance
Growing up with Asian parents, we were often taught that perseverance and hard work were the keys to success and that nothing is easy when it comes to reaching our goals.
Recently, I struck up a conversation with an Auntie I met while waiting at the doctor’s office. We started talking about parenting and she proudly told me that she has a large Chinese calligraphy painting of the word 忍 (‘endure’ in Chinese) that hangs in her living room.
I remember her smugly telling me about her grown children’s successes (I think one’s a lawyer or a doctor or one those “well respected” professions) as she subtly credits the painting’s constant reminder and her efforts as a Tiger mom.
These values hold close to my heart because I believe that in order to achieve our goals, it takes effort, grit, courage and a ton of discipline to stay motivated, especially when we face setbacks, challenges and disappointments.
It’s about picking ourselves up when we get knocked down and building our resilience so that we continue our pursuit.
And that’s absolutely something I want my daughter to inherit.
Improving The Future and Fears of History Repeating Itself
As an overachieving, recovering perfectionist with a history of self-harm, disordered eating and depression during her preteen and teenage years, I am incredibly mindful of the expectations I set for myself.
I know firsthand how it feels to put so much pressure on yourself that suicide becomes an option when you lose control, fail and can’t manage the disappointment and shame of not meeting one’s unrealistic expectations.
Along with minimal parental support for the emotional and psychological deterioration, it was a recipe for self-destruction.
Sadly, this is an epidemic that is on the rise in many Asian families across the world.
I am incredibly fortunate that I didn’t head down that path and was able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
However, my history is part of me. My past will always be in my present which shapes my future so I’m extra sensitive to the expectations that I have for my daughter.
Trying To Find Balance
So I sit on a fence.
I don’t want to project my past onto her, making her feel like she needs to go beyond her limitations to achieve a goal. Because I am fearful she will become self-destructive like I was.
It’s an insecurity of mine and always will be.
However, at the same time, I don’t want her to become aimless, complacent, lack ambition and drive to live a purpose driven life.
My worst nightmare would be if she grew up and continued to depend on me, never able to keep a job because I let her quit anything the moment she lost interest.
Or because I helicoptered and sheltered her so much that she had never experienced failure and never learned to persevere to get back up, basically becoming one of those “failures to launch.”
So what am I going to do? I don’t want to be a tiger nor a jellyfish.
Ultimately, what our Asian parents missed is emotionally and mentally connecting with us during vulnerable moments, not just during our failures but also during our successes.
1. Validate your child’s feelings of disappointment and feelings of accomplishment.
It’s the classic example of an Asian dad giving the same stone cold expression when his daughter receives a 10/10 for her dance routine one day and a C in math the next day.
Either way, the child gets the sense that he’s not impressed and makes her feel she will never be valued no matter how well or how poorly she does.
Don’t make light of the situation
“Oh, you’re upset you didn’t make it? Then quit!”
“Another first prize? Do they hand those out to anyone?
Don’t move onto the game plan immediately
“Oh well…suck it up and you’ll get the next one, Champ.”
“Phew…you made it to the semi-finals. Now we have to amp up the training for the finals.
Letting your child fully feel those feelings and expressing your empathy for their experience will demonstrate that you value them either way, allowing them to increase their self-awareness and develop their own way of managing expectations.
“I sense you’re feeling upset with how things turned out and I’m sad that you feel disappointed. Let’s take some time to recover.”
“I feel incredibly proud of your accomplishment. You deserve it because I know you worked so hard on this. Let’s go celebrate.”
2. Lead by example
I am a firm believer that our kids are a reflection of who we are. It’s like the saying, “monkey see, monkey do.”
They are constantly observing how we set goals, keeping or abandoning our commitments, managing disappointment and celebrating successes.
It’s important to share with them what’s going on in our life so they understand our journey, appreciating the efforts we are taking to reach our goals and learning from us how we manage and learn from failures.
Storytelling is a great way to teach this.
3. Share moments when we’ve failed and how we picked ourselves up.
Everyone loves a comeback story.
I remember the time when I worked incredibly hard to apply for a dream job at a company I admired.
After the second interview, submitting a 10-page mock report, and checking my references, I was told a more experienced candidate was offered the position.
I was their second choice. I was devastated.
However, I kept in touch with the hiring manager, maintaining our relationship and 6 months later, another position opened up and I applied.
They offered it to me after the first interview.
4. Share moments when we’ve had to give up on a goal and how we made that decision
In Grade 10, I joined the Royal Canadian Air Cadets because I really wanted to learn to fly and get my pilot licence.
At the time, I was stretching myself pretty thin, with my part-time job, piano competitions and Chinese school but I thought I could do it.
I never got the best uniform because I would always scramble 15 minutes before to shine my shoes, starch and iron my pants and jacket.
I was horrible at all the training drills. I couldn’t start a fire during the survival retreat and I’d often miss the target at shooting practice. I got scolded for wearing green eyeshadow.
I barely lasted 4 months before making the decision to give up.
I listened to my gut; it would do backflips every night before the squadron meeting.
I listened to my heart; it didn’t care anymore about my goal of attaining a pilot’s licence.
I listened to my head; it knew it wasn’t feasible to continue given all the other commitments in my life at the time.
And when they all aligned, I knew it was time to quit.
5. Figure out what your child’s needs are and help them be self-motivated.
We have to realize that our motivations may not be the same as our child’s motivation.
Maybe it’s recognition from their role model or their peers?
Or perhaps it’s the feeling of helping someone in need and their words of appreciation?
Or the significant feeling of being able to do something not many people can?
Or fame, a standing ovation, prestige, money or a new toy?
Or a simple hug, the words “I’m so proud of you” coupled with more autonomy and a challenging opportunity to grow?
But of course, when you ask a kid bluntly,
“What are you motivated by?”
You’ll most likely get,
“I don’t know.”
So it’s about asking the right questions to get them thinking about what they’re good at (and not so good at) versus what they enjoy (and don’t enjoy)
6. Differentiate between what they’re good at versus what they enjoy
What are your strengths? What are things you can do that others struggle with?
What are things that you struggle with that others find easy?
What are your favourite things to do? What are your least favourite things to do?
There is a huge difference between what someone is good at versus what they enjoy.
A child may be incredibly talented at the violin but his eyes dim every time he picks the bow.
On the contrary, a child may love to dance but every time the music comes on, she’s stumbling around like she’s got two left feet.
Finding goals that strive to fulfill both of these criteria determines whether a child will stick to it.
For the talented violinist, ask him why he doesn’t enjoy playing the violin? Can the experience be more enjoyable for him? If so, how? If not, maybe it’s time to move on?
For the child with two left feet, how much does she love to dance? How committed is she to learn, practice and improve?
7. Make them try anything at least 3 times to test their limits.
No one learned to ride a bike the first time they hopped on.
The first time trying something new is almost always the hardest. The fear, the anxiety, the uncertainty of how it will play out makes the experience hard to enjoy.
I remember the first time I learned to ice skate.
I was a “late bloomer” for a Canadian.
Unlike the other kids whose parents were hockey fanatics and learned to skate when they could barely walk, I was 7 when I went (or shall I say fell) on the ice.
Falling, tripping, and slipping with a bunch of 5-year-olds was incredibly embarrassing. I hated it but my mom made me finish the 8-week long program (she had paid for it already) so I could have basic skating skills.
You know, in case Hell freezes over and I need to skate for survival.
I mean I can barely start a fire so I need that going for me.
I never took a lesson again but I do know how to skate and not fall on my ass.
And now as a mom, I’m grateful my mom made me try it at least 3 times because I don’t have to be a benchwarmer during our family skate nights.
8. Make sure you’re on the same page as the other parent
Lastly, it’s really important both parents are on the same page when it comes to teaching their child grit.
When parents are inconsistent in their approach, the child can feel unsupported, that one parent values them more than another, allowing them to manipulate the situation by pinning them against each other to get what they want.
The unstable dynamic between the parents can become an excuse for the child not to work hard. Since there is no unity between them, the child feels they can flip-flop on commitments without consequences, playing to the parent that is on their side at the moment.
“Dad said I can quit soccer so you can’t make me go to practice tonight.”
“Mom’s not letting me go to my basketball tournament because she wants me to focus on my math homework. You know how important that tournament is to me. Can’t you tell her?”
What happens next is the parents fight about what each of them thinks their child should focus on instead of focusing on the child.
A good way to ensure you are both on the same page is to tap into your partner’s family history and how they were raised.
Were their parents’ tigers as well?
Or were they more laid back?
Which activities did they pursue or had to give up?
What motivates them?
Share stories of triumph and disappointment so you both get a sense of how to be consistent in setting and managing expectations together as parents.
Divide up the goals that your child is pursuing between the two of you depending on how much you value them. When decisions are made about the goal, the parent not responsible must show full support even if they don’t agree.
For example, one parent is responsible for the child’s swimming lessons and the child wants to stop after 2 lessons. The parent responsible thinks she should finish the rest of the program before quitting. The other parent must show they agree with the decision even if they think the child should quit.
Ultimately, it demonstrates that you trust your partner’s decision and therefore, you’re showing your child that they should trust them too.
So Readers, how do you find the balance between teaching your kid to “toughen up” versus sheltering them from the pains of failure?
