When should you apologize? What happens when we don't and when we do?
Sorry not sorry…
I love the urban dictionary’s definition.
Sorry not sorry: “A sarcastic way of acknowledging that someone might not like whatever you’re saying or doing … but you don’t really care.”
Saying sorry can either be the easiest or hardest thing to do.
And it depends on whether we’ve actually done anything wrong.
Sorry for talking about my successes
Sorry for almost bumping into you
Sorry for being proud of myself
Sorry for being vain and posting pictures of myself
Sorry for telling you how amazing I feel
Sorry for bragging about my weight loss
Sorry for making this request
Sorry for asking for help
Why do we apologize when we haven’t done anything wrong?
The other day, I was in the living room when I saw my husband walk by. I said to him,
“Sorry, but do you mind taking out the laundry?”
Why did I say sorry?
I haven’t offended him. I haven’t upset him. I haven’t done anything wrong.
He wasn’t annoyed. He didn’t even bat an eye when I asked. We’ve never fought because I asked him to take out the laundry. And he’s done this many times before without complaining.
It’s because I assumed I was going to be a burden to him, conditioned from an early age that I needed to apologize first.
As a Canadian, we are notorious for apologizing.
Sorry eh?
And as frustrating as it is for me to write this, I feel women tend to do this more than men.
We excessively apologize to appear more agreeable, to be perceived more likeable, to be accepted by others. We are polite, graceful beings. We are courteous, respectful and demure.
Those who act accordingly are those who make guys swoon, get rescued by prince charming, get the promotions, get the makeovers, get invited to all the parties. We play nice. We are good little girls, all sugar, no spice.
We don’t allow ourselves to be bold, to show confidence, to talk about our strengths, to make requests because we are fearful we will be portrayed as arrogant, demanding bitches.
However, not apologizing when you’ve done nothing wrong doesn’t make you a bitch; not apologizing when you have does.
But why do we forget those words when we have done wrong?
Sorry for spreading rumours and gossiping about you
Sorry for blowing up at you
Sorry for taking out my frustrations on you
Sorry for talking shit about you
Sorry for being a toxic friend
Sorry for calling you a bitch
Sorry for flaking out on you again
Sorry for being passive-aggressive when I should have been direct
When we’ve wronged others, the first instinct is to play defence, to convince ourselves that what we did was right; we had no ill intent so we don’t need to apologize.
But then, we start to reflect on our actions and words and realize who we’ve hurt. And we know it’s the right thing to do but it takes being vulnerable to say sorry. You don’t know how the other person will react, whether they will accept your apology and validate your remorse or leave you hanging in the dark.
So our egos get in the way and we forget those words, ignoring the human need for forgiveness.
Saying sorry needs to be meaningful. When we keep saying it for the wrong reasons, it loses the effect it has on people to forgive.
Let’s stop apologizing for being who we are and start apologizing for when it actually matters.
When’s the last time you really apologized and meant it?
