I wasn't raised to know my worth - I was raised to rank it.
Perfectionism doesn’t just show up in how we treat ourselves — it shows up in how we compare ourselves to others. As a recovering perfectionist, I know what it feels like to spiral when I think someone else is “doing better.” I start questioning everything: Am I falling behind? Did I peak too soon? Why do I feel so inadequate?
The root of this usually goes way back — at least it does for me.
I grew up in an Asian family with two sisters. And when you grow up in that kind of environment, you quickly learn one thing:
You’re not just you, you’re you compared to them.
You’re the “smart one.”
Or the “pretty one.”
Or the “chubby one.”
Or the “dark-skinned one.”
There’s no neutrality — only rankings.
Aunties, uncles, family friends… they didn’t even hide it.
“The eldest is the lightest-skinned, so she is the most beautiful.”
“Her arms are chubbier than her sister’s.”
“Will she get more scholarships than her sister?”
It was always Apples to Apples — or in our case, Asian daughter to Asian daughter.
And it didn’t matter what we achieved — someone was always doing better. Eventually, our self-worth wasn’t something we felt. It was something we earned. Through grades. Through beauty. Through obedience. Through thinness. But never just by being ourselves.
That mindset didn’t stay in childhood — it followed me into adulthood. I’d measure my success against someone else’s LinkedIn. I’d scroll through wins that felt like evidence of my own failure. I’d use comparison as “motivation,” but it never really inspired me — it just made me feel like I wasn’t enough.
My mom would return from my sister’s place and tell me her house is too big and quiet. Then she would criticize my home, saying it’s too small and noisy. No one wins. That belief — that our worth is only real if it outranks someone else’s — is not the truth.
It’s a wound.
And it deserves attention, healing and recovery.
That’s one of the reasons I wrote 50 Shadow Work Prompts: A Journal to Uncover Your Hidden Psyche.
This isn’t just a journal. It’s a soft, structured place to unravel the beliefs you were taught to hold as truth. Beliefs like:
Success is only real if it’s visible.
Worth must be proven constantly.
Loving yourself without comparison is “lazy” or “delusional.”
You’ll explore where these ideas came from, how they shaped you, and how to start rewriting them — not with toxic positivity, but with honest self-inquiry.
If you’re ready to stop measuring yourself by someone else’s tape, get your journal today.
You are not a product. You’re a person. You don’t have to compete to be complete.
Get it now in paperback and hardcover.
Until next time,
Katharine
