Was he racist or sexist? As a woman of colour, I'm often in a tough position. We are vulnerable. How do I stand up for myself enough?
Was it because I’m Asian?
A few months ago, our family wanted to get fried chicken from KFC (Kentucky Fried Chicken). So I order online and go at the time they said it was ready. There’s a line-up of 3 people at the main door. However, next to the door, there is a sign that said,
“Online orders, pick up at the other door.”
So I walk to the other door.
A white, middle-aged man starts to yell at me when I enter the store.
He scolds me, assuming that I had budged in front of everyone,
“We’ve all been waiting. You can’t just cut in line.”
I calmly tell him,
“I ordered online. The sign says I need to pick it up at this door.”
He sputters,
“I don’t care. Everyone has to wait. Everyone here came before you. You need to wait. Get back here.”
He looks angry, red-faced, waving his hands violently. The other people in the line are staring. I decide to walk back. I wait. The man pays for his order and leaves.
When it’s my turn, I ask the cashier if I could have picked my food up at the other door. She says,
“Yes.”
I immediately jump to a conclusion that he was being racist. It’s because I’m Asian and he was targetting me just like the rise of racial discrimination that was happening across the nation, getting blamed for a virus that’s wreaking havoc on society.
But was he?
Was I being influenced by the media and being extra sensitive to his attack?
Or was he merely an angry, bitter man who desperately needed his KFC fix and would have done the same to another white man?
I go back to the car and tell my husband immediately. At the end of my rant, I said,
“Let’s not talk about it ever again. I don’t want to relive the details because it will only make me angrier.”
I don’t think about this memory until recently.
Was it because I’m a woman?
I’m driving home from a grocery shopping trip. I stop at an intersection, waiting to turn right. There’s a sign that states, “no turning right on red.”
So I wait. Just then, the car behind me starts to honk. It goes from a single beep to a series of short beeps to multiple long beeps.
Is he using Morse code now?
I look at my rearview mirror. It’s a middle-aged Middle Eastern man behind the wheel.
I place my foot firmly on the brake, not budging. I stand my ground as though all my female ancestors are beside me. I am an Asian female and I am a good driver; I’m not going to succumb to his obnoxious behaviour.
The driver on my left is gesturing for my attention. I roll down my window and it’s a white woman. She shouts,
“He’s letting you know you should go.”
I respond flatly, pointing up at the sign,
“The sign says you can’t turn right on red. I’m not breaking the law for that guy.”
She responds with a look of surprise,
“Oh yeah, you’re right. Keep doing your thing!”
The light turns green and we both drive our separate ways. I feel like I’ve redeemed myself in the universe.
Was I being too sensitive?
As an Asian, I am vulnerable to a slew of belittlement, from microaggressions, prejudice to blatant racist attacks. As a woman, I have been stereotyped as those who overreact, overly emotional, sensitive, hysterical.
Therefore, as an Asian woman, these are just a few examples of incidences where I felt triggered. And almost always, I will doubt myself,
“Am I just being sensitive?”
I feel helpless after the fact and pent-up frustrations build. I start to ruminate,
“You should have done this. You should have said that.”
“Did I do enough to stand up for myself? To make my Asian and/or female counterparts proud?”
Whether it’s the environment that has me downplaying my feelings or my own doing, I’ve learned to lean into those moments, telling myself,
“If you’re noticing it, then you’re not. A feeling is a valid feeling. Don’t ignore it.
It’s okay to feel triggered when someone does or says something that makes you question their intent.”
Whatever I do to stand up for myself whether it’s putting my foot down on the brake pedal or staying silent, I did the best I could given the situation I was in.
Some might judge me for overreacting; some judge me for not reacting enough; however, the only judge I need to listen to is the one in my head.
I need to stand by my own values, beliefs and principles, not anyone else’s.
I am what I tolerate.
Everyone is extra sensitive right now
During this unprecedented time, it’s easy to say or do something that will offend someone. It’s easy for others to say or do something that will tick us off. The COVID-19 pandemic has made us on edge, heightened to anything that would rub us the wrong way.
I’m slowly trying to embrace the gritty bits, making peace with a reality that we are in. Everyone is hurting. Digging ourselves into a pit of hate buries us alive in our own toxicity.
Let’s have more compassion for ourselves and for those who offend us. We don’t know what they’re going through just as they don’t know what we’re going through.
So Readers, do you feel targeted as a woman of colour? Have you ever asked yourself if you’re being too sensitive?
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