You dread seeing them and when you do, you feel like a warm body. Is it normal to not like your parents?
Friday dinner at their house, Sunday morning Dim Sum, having your parents over at your place…
How does it feel thinking about those things?
Frustrated? Burdened? Dread? Like work?
How does it feel before you get there?
Annoyed? Anxious? Irritated? Nervous?
How does it feel when you’re there? How do you react to one another?
Greet them by calling them by their titles? Nod and smile?
The food comes. You start eating. How do you feel?
Formal? Uncomfortable? Awkward? Like you have to be on your best behaviour? Put up a front?
What does the conversation look like?
Silence? Cordial small talk? Talking about the food?
Are there moments where you’re biting your tongue, preventing yourself from saying something you’ll regret?
Maybe they make a snide comment about your career? About your relationship status? About your appearance? About your kids? About your spouse? About your living situation?
On edge. Grip and grin. Roll your eyes. Breathe heavily. Scoff. Go on your phone. Eat faster.
At the end of the meal, how do you say goodbye? How do you feel?
“Bye, see you next week.”
Relieved? Like a weight has been lifted off your chest? At ease?
When you get home, do you want to do it all over again? Do you look forward to next week’s dinner?
Why we are torn between their expectations and our own
Would you see them again despite how you felt the entire time you were with them?
Why do you do it?
Before you read on, I’m generalizing here and basing this on my own experience. I’ve witnessed this, experienced it personally, read it online and heard this from many peers.
However, not all Asian parents have the same relationship with their kids so take my words with a grain of salt.
Meeting your parents’ expectations
It’s a checkbox. They require your presence on a regular basis because it’s tradition. It’s a formality. This is what they were taught and they’re practicing their right. Sons and daughters have an obligation to spend time with their parents as a form of respect for their elders.
They feel you owe it to them to do this since they raised you, fed you, gave you opportunities, sacrificed for you. They are your family and family comes first, ALWAYS.
Meeting your own expectations
Some parents may not outright say what their expectations are but you know them; it’s imprinted in your heart. You understand the expectation because you grew up with those values.
So why do you keep scheduling time to spend with your parents even when you know you won’t enjoy it?
You want to meet their expectations because it aligns with our family values. However, the experience of meeting them is agonizing.
You are torn between upsetting them and upsetting yourself. It’s an invisible tension that occurs during the interaction. Your presence fulfills both expectations but you end up feeling empty when you leave. It’s a lose-lose situation.
Finding a balance between your happiness and fulfilling a tradition ingrained in you by your parents
When you have high expectations, you risk feeling disappointed for not getting what you put in.
For instance, you want to commit to seeing them once a month.
You want to take them out for dinner. You want to give them an update about what’s going on in your life. You want to find out how they’ve been doing, what they’ve been up to. You want to share details about your career, relationships, vacation etc. You want them to validate that you’re doing a good job. You want them to provide emotional support.
But then they don’t react the way you want them to react.
They criticize. They offer unsolicited advice. They talk down to you. They’re unimpressed. They complain. They invalidate your feelings. They don’t share with you what’s been going on with them. When asked, they respond, “The same old, same old.” They’re ungrateful. They don’t appreciate the effort you’re putting in to see them, the things you had to rearrange to meet their obligation.
Your efforts are futile. You become disappointed. You resent them. Why should you try and see them again?
When you have low expectations, you risk feeling guilty for not doing enough.
For instance, you only see them when you feel like it. That could be on special occasions or once a year or never. You move away from them, to a different city, to a different state/province, to a different country halfway across the world.
They call you. They email you. They text you. They lurk on your social media. They tell your siblings, your friends, anyone they know who has contact with you to talk to you. They tell other family members how disrespectful you are. They grumble. They complain. They remind you of everything they’ve done for you. They remind you how old they are getting. They tell you their health isn’t great, the conditions they have, how many pills they have to take each day. They tell you they’re getting something checked, a medical procedure, a screening. They guilt-trip you.
The guilt gets to you and you feel like a bad son/daughter. You self-loath. You hate yourself. You feel like a horrible person.
Creating realistic expectations
How do you find the balance or a happy medium between not feeling disappointed and not feeling guilty?
I don’t think there is a right answer for everyone but it’s about understanding why you want to have a relationship with your parents.
Why do you want to have a relationship with them?
Once you understand your reasons, then you can create the expectations that match them.
If you don’t want to have a relationship at all and you’ve come to terms that their toxicity does not align with your values, then you need to start limiting contact with them.
If you merely want to meet their expectations, to check their boxes, to fulfill their needs, then do that. Show up regularly, grip and grin, go on your phone, distract yourself and then leave. Rinse and repeat.
If you want to get to know them better, understand your roots, learn more about your culture and where you came from, you need to start having those conversations. And if they aren’t meeting your expectations, you need to change your expectations by accepting them for who they are. You need to find some other way to find those answers and you need to prepare yourself that you may not find them at all.
Coping Strategies
At the end of the day, they are your parents and they raised you. They did some good so focus on those qualities and accept their limitations.
You can’t control who they are and you can’t change them. They are who they are; don’t expect them to change or else you’re setting yourself up for disappointment.
Surround yourself with positive people and lean on them for emotional support. Lots of people have issues with their parents and it can be comforting to know you’re not alone.
Seek professional help. There is no shame in getting therapy.
You are in control of your own happiness and destiny. You don’t have to become them. You can create the dynamics that you want for your family. You can do what they never did for you.
So Readers, what does your relationship with your parents look like? Have you ever felt guilty or disappointed in the relationship?
