HOW TO RECOGNIZE A TOXIC FRIEND: THE FIRST THING YOU NEED TO DO

Here is part 1 of my 3 part series on Toxic Friendships:

Ah, toxic friends. From Clueless to Mean Girls to Gossip Girl (is it Pretty Little Liars now?)…

Do they only appear in the teenage years?

No.

These appear through to adulthood, from college/university to the workplace to motherhood to old age (who’s a better grandma?)

If you’re reading this right now, you’re probably thinking:

“I want to learn how to recognize toxic friends and avoid them.” It’s them…not me. I’m a perfect friend.”

But here’s a newsflash.

Anyone can become a toxic friend, including yourself, especially when we are down and struggling and the world seems like it’s against us, nothing is going our way. Because life is hard and shit happens.

The best way to identify whether someone is toxic is to be self-aware of your own toxic behaviours and tendencies.

You’ll have a better sense of when a friend is acting toxic and you will understand why they are acting that way since you’ve recognized that in yourself.

I’d like to say I’m always a good friend but I’m not.

I’m human and there are days when I’m not the best person to hang out with.

I can be spiteful, harsh, snappy, jealous, negative and incredibly judgemental.

Here are 3 signs that I watch in myself so that I’m mindful of when I’m starting to become toxic.

1. Comparing Your Friend’s Stresses To Your Own

Have you said or thought this?

I know I have.

“She’s complaining about how her husband’s not making an effort with the chores? OMG, that’s such a small issue!

I’ve got way bigger problems than that. At least he makes dinner for the family a couple of times a week. I’m barely able to keep my head on straight. Geez. She’s so lucky. She should be grateful. I’m the one with the problems!”

Everyone has issues.
Everyone experiences stress differently.
Everyone has a different tolerance for each type of stress.

When you start to compare your friend’s problems with your own is when you need to take some time for yourself and figure out why you’re feeling this way.

What’s going on with you?

2. Feeling Joy When Your Friend Feels Sorrow

“I didn’t get the raise I wanted this year.”
“He broke up with me.”
“I gained 10 pounds.”

How do you feel when a friend tells you that something unfortunate about themselves?

Be honest with yourself.

Does your lip start to twitch?

Do you take pleasure in hearing your friend’s bad news?

Do you savour every detail?

Have you said or thought this deep down inside? I know I have.

“She always gets what she wants. She’s such a Little Miss Perfect but now that something bad happened to her, she’ll finally get to see what life is really like.”

It’s as though whatever bad news your friend experiences is justified.

Perhaps you don’t think she deserves all the good things that she has in her life and needs a dose of humility.

But let’s be honest, you’re merely projecting your own unhappiness onto someone else.

3. Feeling Sorrow When Your Friend Feels Joy

“I got promoted!”
“We’re engaged!”
“I can fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes now!”

Do your ears begin to tune out when a friend shares some good news?

Do you have an underlying sense of jealousy that makes whatever good news they shared seem unfair?

All these situations make it difficult to feel the joy that our friends are experiencing.

It’s hard not to compare especially if these are things that you are struggling with.

In part 2, I’ll share with you how I manage these behaviours when I sense I’m becoming toxic.

What are some of your own toxic behaviours and tendencies?

Leave in the comments below.

If you have any ideas for topics you’d like me to talk about, leave in the comments below.