How do you feel when someone compliments you? Are you uncomfortable?
Is it just me or are Asians bad with compliments?
How does it feel when you get complimented?
When someone tells me I’m doing a good job or that I look great, I get uncomfortable. My first instinct is to downplay, then deny and then think of a compliment about the other person, deflecting the attention off of me.
And then when I compliment, it’s the most insincere thing. It comes across like I’m just saying something good about the other person for the sake of removing their focus on me.
When this happens, I can feel my Western and Eastern upbringings go at it, battling inside of me, trying to convince me to do the “right” thing.
What is the “right” thing to do?
It depends on your culture and what you value.
For me, deflecting and starting compliment battles are part of how I was raised. I remember my mom downplaying her efforts while everyone told her that she did a wonderful job raising her daughters. She really did a fucking amazing job.
Growing up as an Asian Canadian (Specifically, Chinese), it’s disrespectful to confidently accept a compliment without saying something nice about the person complimenting you.
You have to deny their comments as though you aren’t as good as they say you are, that they are better and you don’t deserve their kind words. And I struggle to embrace this part of my culture because it makes complimenting a disingenuous process.
Is the person saying something nice to me because they’re fishing for compliments, wanting to start a compliment battle?
Or is the person being real with me, wanting me to know I am doing well?
In Western society, it can rub someone the wrong way if you reject their kind words; authenticity is absolutely valued. Compliment battles aren’t socially acceptable. People just want you to accept their compliment, validate their words and feel good about sharing their positive thoughts.
And personally, this aligns more with how I think and feel despite being conditioned otherwise.
As women, we need to stop talking down about ourselves and other women and really be proud of who we are and what we’ve accomplished. Men can do that with ease, why can’t women? We need to rise up and be empowered in our strengths, owning every awesome thing about who we are.
So here are my tips on how to give authentic compliments and how to receive them properly.
3 tips for how to give proper compliments:
1. Start with ‘You’ instead of ‘I.’ It focuses the praise on them, rather than your opinion of them.
2. Compliment right away when you see something good. Don’t use someone else’s compliment as a prompt.
3. Don’t give credit to someone else in the compliment. Don’t question the person’s authenticity, skill, style, vibe, character, experience, personality, values, beliefs, priorities..etc.
For instance, don’t start with, “Who taught you to speak so eloquently?” It assumes that they’re not responsible for whatever talent you’re trying to praise them for. Instead, you can say “You’re an engaging speaker.”
3 tips for how to properly receive compliments:
1. Provide a simple response that’s easy to remember, “Thank you. I appreciate your kind words.”
2. Don’t downplay or doubt yourself. Don’t question their intent. They’re saying something nice because they want you to know.
3. Don’t one-up their compliment. Don’t compliment battle.
So Readers, what are some of your tips when it comes to giving and receiving compliments?
