Even the most secure relationships are uncertain. How did I stop expecting the worst?
Broken hearts are heartbreaking
Whether it’s he who left or me who initiated it, I’ve had my fair share of heartbreak. Feelings were hurt; expectations unmet. Disappointment ensues. Sometimes it seems like no matter how much I lick my wounds, my heart never fully heals.
The end of a relationship makes it hard to start another. But I move forward, enter the dating scene again to find love.
And in that new relationship, there are times I can’t shake off the past, the mistakes I made with exes, the trust that was broken. My fears and insecurities of repeating history catch up to me and I worry,
“Will he leave me? Or should I just end it before he does?”
Even if there is nothing to worry about, the uncertainty of the relationship wreaks havoc on my emotional and mental wellbeing. My heart wants to protect me and my mind overestimates the likelihood of my worst fear.
When those worries get the best of me, those insecurities take over and I drown in paranoia. I act differently. I panic. I overcompensate. I prepare for a catastrophe.
“He’s been checking his phone more often than usual. He’s cheating.”
“He didn’t compliment my new hair. He’s losing interest in me.”
“He’s spending time with his friends. He thinks I’m boring.”
“He liked a picture of a woman better looking than me. He finds me unattractive.”
The phrase “He’s going to leave me” echoes in my mind, again and again, wandering down the rabbit hole of doom while I become a saboteur of my own relationship. And I do these things subconsciously, unaware of my destructive behaviours.
“I’m going to make him jealous. I’ll say I’m busy. I won’t make time for him.”
“I need his attention. I’ll ignore him. I’ll be elusive. I’ll mention another man’s name. I’ll keep secrets from him.”
“I’ll pick a fight. I’ll overreact to something he says or does. I’ll keep tabs.”
I always thought I was level-headed, the proverbial INTJ, thinking rationally with logic instead of reacting impulsively with emotions.
These were my 20’s.
From the insecure 20s to the secure mid-30s
Half a decade of marriage and 2 kids later, I realized I’ve slowly stopped expecting the worst. Perhaps this was because of the circumstances I’m in and that signing a piece of paper and giving birth to two tiny humans made me feel secure with a man I love?
However, I think it’s because I’m entering the last of the unsettled years of my life (between the ages of 18 and 35); it’s as though my brain has slowed down, taking its time to think carefully about the problem and coming up with realistic solutions given uncertain outcomes.
In fact, my brain was doing such that, continuing to develop throughout my 20’s. Specifically, it was my prefrontal cortex, responsible for problem-solving, decision making and planning, that matured. With time, I grew and felt secure in my relationship, diminishing my impulsiveness in favour of sensible actions.
A strong relationship consists of trust, effective communication and respect. If one or both partners feel insecure, those factors start to deteriorate and eventually the relationship becomes unstable and crumbles.
I’m not going to lie, there are still moments in my life where my insecurities take over, thinking my worst fears will manifest into reality. But instead of rationalizing catastrophes, I begin to break apart those doom and gloom thoughts, talking myself down.
So for those who have yet to enter the glorious mid-30s and/or are feeling insecure in their relationship, this is what I tell myself to circumvent those thoughts from taking over my paradigm.
The facts of the present are what matter
You live in the present. Stop getting and thinking ahead of yourself. The future isn’t here. Time is a constant moving construct; unless someone has invented a time machine, the future cannot be travelled to. Your fears exist in the future but you can only control your present; therefore, focus on what is instead of what if, the facts instead of fears.
You’ve been together for this long already. Has he ever mentioned he wants to end things? What are the facts? What is reality?
He has not left you. He is not leaving you. He is in a relationship with you.
You are with him. You are not single. You are not alone. You are in a relationship with him.
The Perfect Relationship Doesn’t Exist
If everything were to work out, what would happen? What does the perfect relationship look like? Play out your most idealistic dream.
You guys never fight, not even a bit of bickering. He agrees with everything you say. You agree with everything he says. You have amazing date nights and you don’t need to spice things up. The passion is everlasting and you guys are constantly all over each other.
He knows exactly what you’re feeling as though he can read your mind. He doesn’t challenge you. He does anything you want and exactly as he is told, no ifs, ands, or buts. He never misses a beat. He never forgets. He remembers everything you have said from day one. You know everything about him and he knows everything about you.
That relationship sounds like a fantasy, a really boring one.
Relationships need challenges, fights, arguments to push a couple into areas they’ve never been. It’s unrealistic to expect two people to be together in constant harmony. Couples who think they can see eye to eye on anything aren’t choosing to see everything.
The possibility of either party leaving is always on the table. The certainty of a relationship should never be taken for granted no matter how happy and satisfied one feels.
Not that you’d want certainty.
You Want Someone Who Is Willing To Leave You
The truth is he may or may not leave you. And if he decides to execute his right to do so, it is a sign of his character’s strength.
What if he never leaves?
You cheat on him. You steal from him. You lie to him. You degrade him, calling him names and criticizing everything he does. You insult his mind, hurt his heart and break his soul. You disrespect his time, his values, his beliefs. You forbid him from seeing his friends. You strip him of every last bit of human decency and dignity.
And yet he stays. We are what we tolerate.
Would you want to be with someone who is willing to tolerate your toxic behaviours?
If He Leaves, Your Life Will Go on
Those who believe the world exists in black and white have yet to experience enough grey in their lives. It’s delusional to dwell on either side of a coin because reality is in constant motion. Although it is uncertain whether your relationship will last, what is for sure is that the world will not end if it ended.
If he left you, what would you do? How would your life look like after?
Although it hurts in the beginning, your life will go on.
Unexpected change is hard for many of us to deal with. However, if you look at your past decisions, break-ups, trials and tribulations, regrets and successes, each of those moments required a change to happen. You managed to pivot and survived.
Being In A Relationship Doesn’t Define You
The relationship you have with others is dependent on the relationship you have with yourself. You are more than a wife, a partner, girlfriend, a spouse. You have much more to offer to this world than as the other half of a relationship.
It’s incredibly important to keep working on yourself, pursuing your passions, and prioritizing your mental, emotional and physical health, cementing your sense of self-worth. When you are confident and fulfilled, whatever happens next, you have the resilience to move forward, the courage to love again, and the experience to embrace the uncertainty of life.
So Readers, have you experienced heartbreak? What was one thing that helped you heal?
